While I’ve tried to keep mentions of my gender minimal on this blog for purposes of keeping things neutral, I have stated here and there that I’m a cisgender male. I have been wondering about that, though, questioning gender identity. I think at this point that it’s likely I’m transgender. I’ve really wanted to be a girl for a long time. I think that qualifies.
I’m an atheist, but I somewhat like the idea of God as a fantasy. I’ve often fantasized about being a woman in a previous life, and I must have done something wrong and God punished me by making me a boy in this life. Along with the fantasy is the idea that if I do things good, challenge sexism enough, that God will forgive me and make me female again in the next life. But I ultimately think that’s silly. And also more of an eastern religion thing now that I think about it.
I was writing something on sexism that I’ve since discarded where I wrote that if there was a potion that could make me a cisgender girl and subject to all the discrimination present in this patriarchal society that I would drink that potion in a heartbeat. That’s what made me reexamine my, ah, gender identity. It seems a little indicative of transgenderism, no?
I’ve wanted to be a girl for a long time. I wished I could be a girl when I was a little kid and have cried myself to sleep sometimes. I’ve fallen into an androgynous look and have since become happier. I like my appearance in the mirror because I can compare myself to girls. I like the idea of being a girl a lot, and the idea of being a boy depresses me. I’ve been afraid of being misandristic, but I think it’s like favoring one clothing style without feeling any animosity toward people who like another style. I just like the look of femininity better, myself.
It’s not anything like a sexual thrill. Besides some basic attraction and masochism, I’m very much asexual. It’s not about clothing. I’ve worn the same combo of oversized T-shirt and sweatpants forever, and that’s fine for me. It’s about wanting to be a girl in mind and body.
So, yeah, I think that qualifies me for being trans. Still not sure about claiming the label, though. Anyway, the mentions I have of male gender identity may not be relevant and this is a notification of that. I’ll most likely keep the posts intact for historical purposes, unless I feel they present a security risk.