Saturday, November 13, 2010

Gender Identity

While I’ve tried to keep mentions of my gender minimal on this blog for purposes of keeping things neutral, I have stated here and there that I’m a cisgender male. I have been wondering about that, though, questioning gender identity. I think at this point that it’s likely I’m transgender. I’ve really wanted to be a girl for a long time. I think that qualifies.

I’m an atheist, but I somewhat like the idea of God as a fantasy. I’ve often fantasized about being a woman in a previous life, and I must have done something wrong and God punished me by making me a boy in this life. Along with the fantasy is the idea that if I do things good, challenge sexism enough, that God will forgive me and make me female again in the next life. But I ultimately think that’s silly. And also more of an eastern religion thing now that I think about it.

I was writing something on sexism that I’ve since discarded where I wrote that if there was a potion that could make me a cisgender girl and subject to all the discrimination present in this patriarchal society that I would drink that potion in a heartbeat. That’s what made me reexamine my, ah, gender identity. It seems a little indicative of transgenderism, no?

I’ve wanted to be a girl for a long time. I wished I could be a girl when I was a little kid and have cried myself to sleep sometimes. I’ve fallen into an androgynous look and have since become happier. I like my appearance in the mirror because I can compare myself to girls. I like the idea of being a girl a lot, and the idea of being a boy depresses me. I’ve been afraid of being misandristic, but I think it’s like favoring one clothing style without feeling any animosity toward people who like another style. I just like the look of femininity better, myself.

It’s not anything like a sexual thrill. Besides some basic attraction and masochism, I’m very much asexual. It’s not about clothing. I’ve worn the same combo of oversized T-shirt and sweatpants forever, and that’s fine for me. It’s about wanting to be a girl in mind and body.

So, yeah, I think that qualifies me for being trans. Still not sure about claiming the label, though. Anyway, the mentions I have of male gender identity may not be relevant and this is a notification of that. I’ll most likely keep the posts intact for historical purposes, unless I feel they present a security risk.

2 comments:

Intrige said...

I would never have dared to write such a thing about my self in my blog. Now I am not trans, but I get the feeling of not being what you want to be.

I have some friends reading my blog, no family. But, friends who have facebook, if I said something too deep it would spread fast.

I have no idea what you look like. So for now, are you wearing very nutural clothes, is that it? But wants to wear a dress, to put it that way?

I hope you dare to be who you are, one day. That shure must feel like heaven. :)

Dragonclaws said...

Thanks.

I thought a lot before posting that. I eventually decided that the risks were sufficiently minimal, and I really wanted to get it off my chest. While I do have some Facebook friends who know about this blog, I only know them online, they live in far off places, and I don't think they'd read this blog unless I sent them a link to a specific post.

I am currently wearing a geeky T-shirt, sweatpants, and assorted jewelry. I also use fat and hairstyle to create an androgynous look. You can see what I look like at http://www.youtube.com/user/GoingRampant

I'm not really the type to wear a dress, but I'd like the option. I'd rather be respected as a girl and anything about my personality to be interpreted in that context. If I were to show romantic interest in a girl, I'd like that to be considered homosexuality and not heterosexuality. I don't have any particular interest in wearing traditionally feminine clothing, but a lot of modern girls don't. I brought up the clothing style thing only as a (perhaps poor) metaphor to illustrate that preferring some things doesn't mean hating other things, as I get accused of hating men a lot for posting feminist stuff.